


Spread Me Like the Sun

by okkaykate



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Dancing, Drinking, Existential, Flashbacks, M/M, jaehyun is soft and emotional, part-angst?, ten is sensitive and beautiful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-18 18:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18124826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okkaykate/pseuds/okkaykate
Summary: The night soaked into his skin. The two had distance between them and they both regretted all the things that weren't true. One is at a bar. One is wallowing at a friend's. Both miss each other. Jaehyun never knew what was going to happen when he was with Ten, and one day it breaks, but then he finds the sun again. And when the world falls all around them, all they need is to be in their own world. All they need to do is connect and shine over all the darkness that chased them.





	Spread Me Like the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Lets do this. Messy. But genuine.

Jaehyun never had trouble holding his liquor. It never burnt much and it never felt thick in his throat. He wished his body didn’t adapt to it so quickly. The first two sips were rougher than usual, but after that it was smooth sailing. He downed in the liquid. No one questioned him. He was some type of regular to the dark establishment. The others knew to keep their distance on this particular night. Jaehyun already blew off the bartender’s casual jokes. They got the hint just from the man’s crisp gaze.

They didn’t ask. It was better they didn’t. He was entirely spread thin.

Jaehyun breathed in between his constant inhaling of shots. Breath. Whip. Gulp. Slam. Another breath, shakier than the first, and repeat.

His eyelids barely stayed open, but his mind was in a sharp focus of everything. His shoulders curved in. He truly still wasn’t too drunk, and it pissed him off. He murmured out a curse and stood, the bar stool screeching on the floor. He cursed again and swung his way to the restroom recklessly. It wasn’t just the alcohol that made his trek so unsteady. His fingers grazed against the cool tile wall, and Jaehyun shrunk into himself further at how he felt nothing. No one else occupied the restroom, to say the least, he was thankful. The music booming softly outside the restroom made him sigh.

Although he’d only just arrived, he was spent and not having a good time. He hit down on the right switch of the faucet, just watching the sink fill and drain. Unsatisfied, he turned on the left faucet of the sink too. He glanced up at himself in the mirror and wished he looked as wrecked as he felt, or at least how much his heart felt. His heart beating was distinct and clogging his ears, slow, but he could still hear the sound of the water.

He wanted to curse more, but he couldn’t get himself to make sense of anything. He found no words and simply touched the tremendous amount of water spurting out of the faucet. His hands soaked in it and Jaehyun licked his dry lips. _Dehydrated_. Jaehyun hated his own composure.

He stormed halfway out and then stopped. He glanced at the running sink, but then turned back to the door and went out. The water dripped down his fingers, he whipped them on the bar and the bar stools around his own, shaking it off. His shot glass was filled again. Jaehyun looked at it desperately with a sigh before drowning it in one gulp.

Breathe. He saw stranger’s eyes on him from afar and grumbled, turning away with a deep breath. “Please, leave me alone, please.”

The bartender didn’t return for a while. The next time he approached Jaehyun he kept glancing all around at the whole of him and was taking slow steps. There was still a full shot of alcohol in his hands. He hesitated and swallowed. “Jaehyun.” He tried to be stern.

Jaehyun was already looking back, but his brain still needed a moment to process. He didn’t say anything. He waited, his breaths screamed undecipherable words. “You alright?” Curiosity killed the cat.

Jaehyun breathed sharply as the familiar person placed down the shot. Jaehyun blinked  and reached out for the shot instead, drowning in it again. Another moment passed. “I am.” He licked his lips again.

The bartender grew more comfortable, first hurdle crossed. “Are you sure?” He still treaded lightly, “Did something happen?”

Jaehyun’s left eye twitched down a bit instinctively, he let out a kind of gasping sound, a faint smile lifted. He spun the glass around on the counter. “No, nothing _happened_ necessarily”

“Well,” The man began, he leaned a bit closer. He thought he was gonna understand. He thought they were going to have a nice chat. Jaehyun hoped he wouldn’t be able to smell the deep stench of alcohol on him. Then again, in retrospect he wished his nose suffered. “What’s wrong?”

He didn’t respond. The man kept pressing. “Why do you look like you’re about to cry?”   

Jaehyun smiled fully, it not reaching his fragile eyes. “I don’t.” He let out a slim chuckle.

The man thought he was winning. “I think you do—”

Jaehyun licked the bottom of his teeth, his hand gripped hard around the glass. “You’re wrong.” He was sick of this.

“I don’t think—”

“Well, you are.” Jaehyun had to pause. His voice needed to regain itself, to not crack. “Now I bet there are people waiting to be served, including myself, so I would run along now-” He tried to think of something demeaning, but nothing fit. It all hurt in some way or form. It all brought back memories.

Jaehyun’s mind then started racing. “I _know_ you won’t kick me out. I probably buy more drinks that that whole side of the bar combined; I’m not bothering anybody, am I?”

“I-I suppose not, but—“ He felt his doom, but was still standing right there. Jaehyun grinned sickeningly, his eyes blurring with water. His cheeks burned with the tight smile.

Cold, but burning. “Fuck. Off.” The bartender ran off. Jaehyun knew he wouldn’t get another drink, and he also hated how sober he felt. He breathed deeply, retracting his tears only letting out a weak sob.

His grip on the glass faltered to almost nothing.

_It was as peaceful as ever. The dipping sunlight afternoon drowned them. The shadows that graced the counters of the kitchen were however simply unsettling and too tall and too wide._

_Jaehyun was softened then. His skin plump. His white shirt was clean. His eyes were clear. His expression dropped at the one of the person opposite him though, who was only looking down and ignoring him. “Hey, are you alright?” The young man stood from his comfy seat, placing his book down on the chair, moving closer to his partner with outstretched fingertips._

_The partner shook his head, crossing himself off with his own arms and stepping back, hitting his back on the far kitchen counter._

_“What’s wrong?”_

_He closed his eyes and whimpered._

_“Hey, hey.” Jaehyun moved to embrace him, but he was only weakly pushed off. There was only silence for a moment. “Do you need some space right now?” He nodded slowly. “I will give you time, but I would like you to talk to me once you feel comfortable, okay?”_

_A sharp intake and Jaehyun’s world shook entirely._

_Jaehyun hesitated, but his own need was burning. “Please, look at me too.” Jaehyun sighed, his greed overpowering him. “Those are my only requests, please.”_

_The first tears fell and Jaehyun wanted nothing but to give an embrace and feel that kind of pressure against him. “Okay?”_

_He shook his head still, with closed eyes, almost hitting the back of his head on the cupboard._

_Jaehyun peeked out a pained and desperate smile and nodded. “I understand.” He said, even though it hurt._

_His love wiped his eyes and Jaehyun truly smiled for a moment at the essence of his love. He waited for him to open his eyes and come into his arms, but only one of the two wishes occurred. The former._

_“I can’t, Jae.” There was a watery fire in his eyes. Jaehyun wanted to extinguish and wave it all away._

_Jaehyun’s fingers fiddled with each other, needing contact to console them both, but was left with only nothing. “It’s okay, it’s okay, we can talk. I can listen—”_

_He weeped again and Jaehyun breathed slowly. “I promise, whatever you’re going through, I will try to understand, and I will try my best to make sure you feel happy again, okay?”_

_He shook his head again. Jaehyun processed._

_“Please,” Jaehyun begged in a faint voice. “We’ll make it all better together. Just trust me, please.” He was still smiling for the hope of one being returned._

_“I’m not, Jae.”_

_“Huh? Hey, hey, lets just sit down and talk, okay?” Jaehyun stepped closer, but the space only widened._

_“No, no.” His voice was floating off, croaking. “I can’t.”_

_“Ten, please. We can just talk this all out. Whatever it is.” Jaehyun began. “It’ll all be good, okay?”_

_Then it was all dark with pounding and just hot tears which he felt too guilty to chase after. He didn’t even know why._

_“No. I can’t.” The words were tossed and shot at him with precision from both angles, his love and himself._

He could only control himself when it didn’t matter. His self-restraint was otherwise perfect. He hardly regretted anything. He was hardly self-indulgent. He was rarely too controlling, but he made mistakes. He must have.

It was all wrong. He was the one who was not good enough. He was the one who deserved to ridicule himself. They together were a tainted and rotten perfect rose and a unique flower which was the most beautiful. His heart only burned in the surrounding heat that was only himself.

_He broke. “Why can’t we talk about this!” He rose, his voice strained. He regretted._

_“We can’t, Jaehyun, can’t you just listen when I tell you this is about me! I— I can’t do this!”_

He missed and he wished it was different. He wished he knew the secret to being perfect with his words, but instead he is incoherent and belligerent. He wished he wasn’t so damn needy and blind to other people and their feelings. He couldn’t handle this.

He wished someone cared for him enough to tell him to stop drinking. He wished someone would take the glass from him after he ignored that person’s insistence for him to stop drinking, but no one would ever try.

The lights in the bar were too dim, he couldn’t see anything. Everything Jaehyun heard felt so far away. He wondered if anyone would care if he passed out on the bar. It was very late on a Saturday anyway. It was probably three am. Jaehyun didn’t care to check. He didn’t know when the last time he ate was. He didn’t know how long he’d been there for.

He went to sleep because it was the only place he could bear to think of as home in any capacity lest he burst into tears. It was a quick darkness, but at least his eyes got some sort of rest. “Excuse me,” Jaehyun only let out a slow sigh, his consciousness trying to catch up with his equally slow body and reactions. He sat up from his arms and glazed over at the person staring at him. It was bright outside, and Jaehyun wondered if it mattered. He only watched the shiny mix of yellow and orange colors brighten the darkness. His eyes were being followed and he felt intruded, but the light was something made that everyone can see. “Sir, sir.”

Jaehyun remembered himself again and covered his face in his arms again as he glanced back at the person. “Yes?” He inquired. The waves of emotion encased him and he was only waiting for it to overflow again, but his body instead felt nothing. He didn’t have the strength to fight.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but,” There was a small quiver to his voice, but Jaehyun overlooked it. “Would you please leave?” Jaehyun wondered how they had decided which poor employee was to wake him up. He decided he didn’t care. “I’ll leave.” The man exhaled, he must have just come in for the morning shift. He smelled like shower products and his hair was styled too neatly to have worked the entire night shift till then.

Jaehyun stood abruptly and the squeal of the bar stool was nothing after the booming music of last night that washed over him and left his ears immune to any sound at that point. He wondered where he would go. Of course, he could go back, but what was there was just too much. Jaehyun figured he’d clear his head as best he could. Maybe Ten went off to Taeyong’s, or a random ex who he was friends with. He didn’t know. Ten always made friends with anyone he could, he’d be okay. He was smart too. Ten could suffice on his own, but he knew when he needed help too. Meanwhile, Jaehyun could never do anything. He couldn’t believe he survived this far even. A mere twelve hours maybe, not even.

Jaehyun betted he reeked of alcohol. He wondered if the cops would take him in, but then again at least he would have someone to throw some sense into him and he’d have a temporary place to rest. Or maybe they wouldn’t care, let him off, think he would get home safe and just sleep it off, sure he would, he already did, but to him, it was all just colors. And the colors blurred too much. They blended into each other. And Jaehyun wondered if he could just wake up, but the sun was already up and reality couldn’t be woken up from.

The bar was silent as he walked out. He could only imagine the terror.

His mind ran so fast and he didn’t even want to keep up, but he did, because what else would he do. Life has no saviors where there is no obvious problem. No one can magically fix everything. And sometimes people can’t fix anything.

Jaehyun was relieved the cities were big, but it also affects his fate, and it hurts. He didn’t have to worry about seeing someone he knew and worry how his image was, not that he cared too much anymore, but in one part of him it was still comforting to know he would be thought of well. There really were no saviors though, but there were some survivors. Jaehyun wondered his fate. He wondered what reality wanted for him, what his judgement is. But the scary thing was someone never knew. There was no way to know anything, all you know is the useless things about yourself.

He listened to his surroundings, what would they tell him? Complaints and stories in conversation meant to be funny was all of it. There was nothing out there for him. No one wanted or needed to know his life. No one cared. Life was sick. He should have been sick, but his body was too adapted to the alcohol and he'd slept enough. The human body was too reliable.

If someone keeps running at some point he’ll pass out, but when? When his legs start to burn? When he actually passes out from exhaustion? When he can’t breathe? Never? It’s all hypothetical, but why was he running and why did he truly never know when he’d stop.

He was free. He didn’t know where he was going. He didn’t have a phone on him or anything. Disconnected and only with the knowledge that he had to go somewhere. He won’t be a bother, won’t show back up at the bar or bother anyone who is slightly his friend— because that was just rude. The world’s natural areas were there for him. And it was early spring. He may freeze, but someone would figure it out, his body would figure it out. Nature wasn’t dumb, if he needed something he would get it. And humanity wouldn't care how he got it. Jaehyun wondered how fragile he was. What the old and stable him would do when he saw him. Would he help him, or just wonder _damn what did he get himself into_ or _that will never be me_. The world was there to be impressioned upon and to impression the impressionable. Was he a result or was he a cause? He was everything and the world he lived in was both too.

His mouth was dry and goosebumps lined his skin from the cold.

Was he anything? When the sun fell would he still be the same as he always was? Would he ever be the same? Would he ever be different? Would any moment be identical to the next? When the sun was gone, would he still be warm?

Jaehyun had missed him, he did miss him. He wondered why, he wondered, but it all came later and he could only wallow and wonder for the world was made for wondering and he was made for learning, yearning, and missing.

What was different? Was he different? Was Jaehyun different? Who was the outlier? Was there any?

Question love, question life. That’s all life was. It was all only questions for who and where and what and _why_.

Humans are habitual creatures. They will repeat and do what is familiar rather than try something new in lieu of ‘a risk’. Irregularity is different. Different is scary. Being different is...different. And being different made the difference in everything. Misery and loss. Happiness and joy. With miniscule differences, but all heavily different usages and connotations. Everyone questions everything and everyone else. They have a right to judge, but why do questions sometimes hurt.

Life lies, but who didn’t. The sun shined, but it left after and who were they to question it. Why is it more dangerous in the dark. Why are the senses so limited if adaptation and evolution should make up superhuman. Why was the dark scary in the first place? Because they are weak and able to be manipulated. The truth is the only genuine and natural desire.

Because when it’s false it’s out of our control. And at least the truth gives a false security.

And Jaehyun yearned for him, but he was not solely his. And he couldn’t control the world however much he wanted to, and the only thing he could do to fix it and figure out the solution was to wait, because he had no control. And reality was a lie when written out on paper, but was the paper even real?

He still didn’t know how they ended up here. How _he_ ended up here. But it was all hell no matter where he looked and that was the end of it.

It was all a flurry and he searched. He tried to remember. The time he confessed, the time they said I love you, when they told each other they’d stick together no matter what, when Ten fell on the pavement in second grade and scraped his knee and from then on Jaehyun knew he would protect him, and then later in middle school when he realized he would fall for him too, just in another way. Then distancing himself in fear of Ten’s other, cooler friends in high school and then meeting again when Ten was once again the casual, friendly, and beautiful boy. Man. And then when he was worried for his future, and when Jaehyun kissed him on his cheek. Then when Jaehyun asked to meet up once more after all those years because even if he couldn't have him why not be friends again. And oh God, his legs burned from the running and so did his eyes from the rough tears. The wave crashed and all Jaehyun saw was a blue sky and he wondered where the sun was, where _his_ sun was and all its light because he felt so cold without it. And he needed it.

*

The cold encompassed him in a mere moment. As the darkness surrounded and took him all in again he wondered if his home was truly just the dark. He licked his chapped lips and sighed as he felt his muscles grow flimsy and flat. His hair was stringy and greasy as all hell, but at least it wasn’t as knotted as he expected it to be as he continuously ran his fingers through the pieces.

All he could smell was wood and the industrialized nature around him. His nose was immune to the sent of trailing the alcohol and mere sweat and dirty that he was followed by. Soon enough, he decided that this couldn’t be his reality, and he had work tomorrow. That would fix him. He just needed to focus on something. Jaehyun fiddled with the keys still in his pocket, next to his wallet. He walked home with ever so loud and big breaths, his thoughts ghosting behind him in frost.

The home that greeted him was stuffy, but it was home and it was as fresh as ever. His previously abandoned book still laid face down on the arm of the loveseat, keeping his page valiantly. It was all dark. The wood creaked louder and Jaehyun decided it was time to clean off the stench of guilt that layered on him thickly.

It was a long shower, but it rejuvenated his skin anyhow and the burning touch of the water calmed him thoroughly. It was all he needed in the moment.

After he grabbed some of his favorite typical and bland cereal because the thought of being proper was useless when no one was watching. He walked around the apartment in only his boxers and with horribly messy wet hair because no one would see. His clothes from earlier were abandoned on the bathroom floor. He left the empty cereal bowl and spoon abandoned on the counter as he had no reason to do otherwise.

The clock over the oven told him it was around an hour until midnight. He knew his own mortality. He was a heavy and long sleeper. He needed to sleep, especially after the whole day of just his brain in a mush and his body aching. He could only hope the monsters in his head would subside for the night.

He knew work would be able to fix him. It gave him something to push his energy into. Stress over work was his specialty, and in the end he always handled it with perfect results.

The darkness calmed the frazzled man in comfort. He feared the dark once, but then at that moment he only felt light and stability from it. He reached for a blanket up in the hall closet. He made his way to the couch, still a mess with a soft blanket in his hands, torturing himself.

Distance was the only way he could just breathe. Jaehyun knew reality wasn’t kind, but he could rest knowing he had time to simply live. He’d only enter the bedroom to grab new clothes and dash after. His instincts were to not look at anything around him as the memory box was thick and out in the open.

He wanted to play with the curtains of the bedroom, wave them and play with the way the city lights reflected back at him. He wanted to light their favorite candle, relish in the airy sent, but he didn’t dare to further taint this home, nor his mind. He fell asleep on the couch faster than he thought he would, but bliss came only from the imaginations and memories he chose to tell himself.

He didn’t dream, but his sleep was long. His dreams hid from him. Jaehyun wondered if they were hiding from him because they were scared, or if they merely wanted to protect Jaehyun from himself. Nevertheless, he pushed the thoughts aside, there was only one goal: Work. He poured another bowl of horribly sugary cereal, all in the same bowl from last night, and ate in haste as he glanced at the clock. The glass of water in his hand was too warm for his liking, but he didn’t find it in him to care too much by the time he gulped down every last drop.

Jaehyun travelled to the room quickly to block out all his other senses. Every curve of air he walked through was thick and familiar and he could smell its essence. His feet were loud. He went to his closet without even sparing a glance around. He throwed on a suitable work outfit and sighed as the mirror caught his eye. It was a long mirror, and the bed reflected in the background. Jaehyun took a deep breath and he could feel his lungs fill against his ribs.

He stepped forward, so all he could see in the mirror was himself. He fixed his bed head, resolving to leave his hair down as gelling it up was just too much for him at the time. His only goal waited for him, but temptations overpowered his duty. His eye followed the sunlight trying to peek out from behind the curtain. Jaehyun didn’t think much. He just did. He opened it, wide, basking in the sun. Jaehyun wondered how the sun always came back.

After just a moment, he breathed and then rushed out of the bedroom, shutting the door to the bedroom roughly. In the kitchen, he grabbed his phone for the first time in over 36 hours and he sighed. What greeted him was minimal. The only notifications he had was about the weather and only a few messages from Taeyong.

_What did you do?_

_What are you doing? Reply._

Then followed by:

_I’m sending him back after tonight. You need to talk. Don’t be stupid._

Jaehyun wondered, but then he resorted it to nothing.

He grabbed his things, his wallet, his keys, his phone, and left out the door. He locked it for good measure and made it to work, unnecessarily early.

There was a lot of the usual quiet at work, but then it unsettled him. Coworker and closest thing Jaehyun could call a friend came up to him with a typical smile, and Jaehyun didn’t know how to react, not then. Johnny raised a questioning brow at Jaehyun’s solid expression. Jaehyun reached out for all the paperwork in Johnny’s hand.

 _Give it all to me._ Jaehyun mentally screamed, but all he really said was “I’ll do it.”

“Jaehyun,” Johnny started abruptly, his expression morphing, holding the papers tight. “You okay?”

“Yes.” Jaehyun replied automatically, reaching out. “Give me it all.” Jaehyun was confused why Johnny wouldn’t just listen. Jaehyun needed work and was in the mood for it, why not take advantage of it? He was clearly sound of mind.

“I will hand out how much work you do Jaehyun. I’m your superior.” Johnny’s voice was soft, and Jaehyun was irked by it. Jaehyun wasn’t weak. But Johnny wasn’t wrong about their positions, so after a small grimace Jaehyun dropped his arm limply, his stiff battle stance falling. Johnny handed him a rather small amount of the papers.

Jaehyun decided to prove him wrong that day.

*

“Johnny,” He called. He’s loud and booming with determination. “I’m done. I’m ready for more.”

Johnny, looking up at him with wide eyes, glanced at the clock at his desk. “Jaehyun, I—”

“I can do it.”

Jaehyun always worked hard, always worked fast, but then he was too fast, too demanding. They both held each other’s gazes and Johnny slowly shook his head.

Jaehyun took in a sharp breath. “Okay.” There was a short laugh of his own, and Jaehyun turned away. He took a big breath and went back to his desk. He organized it all and started to clean the whole office. Every piece of dust and trash was removed, every counter spotless. He knew he was being odd and he noticed the concerned glances, only giving them an empty smile.

At lunch there was a tap on his back, and he flinched away so fast he almost hit Johnny with a big bottle of Lysol. “Oh. Johnny.”

Luckily Johnny didn’t let the silence linger. “Do you want to have lunch together?”

Jaehyun gripped his Lysol bottle in meak defense. “I’m not really hungry.”

“I’ll buy, come on.” Johnny stood from his kneeling position and Jaehyun was pulled to his feet in an instant, forcing the cleaning supplies down.

They arrived at a random American fast food franchise in quiet, the only pertinent sound resonating had been the soft music on the radio and Johnny mumbling the lyrics. “Sit down, I’ll order for both of us.” Jaehyun’s throat lurched to speak, but Johnny knew him well and he would have nothing to worry about. Jaehyun sat.

In what seemed like an instant, Johnny returned, with both their preferred drinks and burgers. Jaehyun slowly sipped his drink as he watched Johnny unwrap his meal. Guilt crept up into him. “Johnny, you really are too kind—” The man merely looked up from his burger to Jaehyun and grinned, ear to ear, with a hearty chuckle. Jaehyun genuinely felt like he could cry at his genuine generosity.

Jaehyun returned a small smile and began to eat his food slowly, letting the pieces fulfill the former emptiness in his eyes. Still, when lunch break was over, Jaehyun insisted on more work from Johnny, his coworker gave him almost the same amount of paper as earlier, just with a little bit more than then. “Thanks, Johnny.”

Johnny warmed with another grin. “Of course, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun still finished before the work day ended, but with the last chunk of his time he entertained himself by reading the news and browsing his projects from the past.

He made it home at the typical time he would and as he slowly walked up the steps he wondered if it will feel normal. The last time he checked his phone was in the morning, he checked it again in this moment, but there is nothing more to greet him.

The door opened with a kind of stiffness. At the entrance, Jaehyun immediately melted from the warmth the winter outside could not provide. The lingering smell of some kind of soup also teased his nostrils.

Then his brain connected.

All the lights were on, the curtains were open, there was no abandoned cereal bowl lying around, and it was all just bright and home. All familiar. There was a semi-boiling pot on the stove. Jaehyun’s coat weighed on his shoulders heavily, out of instinct he threw it off and onto the coat hanger. His wallet and phone both dropped out of his coat pockets with the toss. His keys still shook against each other in his hand. Bubbling sounds intrigued his ears the most. His feet took him to the pot as it increased in intensity. He felt goosebumps line his skin, cover him in a film of emotion. Already, Jaehyun could sense the tensing of his own bones, an aching.

The sound of footsteps in the apartment drowned out by water, Jaehyun merely breathed. A voice soon contracted his attention even more. “Jaehyun?”

He blinked slowly. His chest rose and fell shakily. He took all him will with him, and turned. “Yes?” His eyes prickled with water.

Both their eyes were glossy. It was the first thing he dared to notice. Dressed in grey, hoodie and sweats, all too big for him. The sun shined on Ten to almost transform him to a evening shadow.

“Where were you?” Soft. Fragile. Jaehyun clenched his fists gently.

Stiff. Defensive. “Work.”

Ten sighed, melting into the clothes, playing with the ends of the sleeves. _I know_. “Where’d you go after?”

“Here.” He responded in an instant.

Ten’s face fell from an already blank expression, simply out of breath. “Jaehyun—” He had to close his eyes. It hurt for the subtle space between them. “I came back and you weren’t here— you left your phone and everything and I—“

“I went out. I just went out.” The two shared gazes and Ten broke it slowly, processing.

“Where?”

More guilt pilled. He was a mess, but at least he could be honest. At least if he was honest then he could improve. “The bar.”

Ten flinched. “Did you do anything?” He asked, hiding himself in his own arms.

“No. I didn’t.”

Ten nodded slowly and silence laid upon them. Jaehyun felt the need to validate himself, confirm his truth. “I was out all night the night you left. I slept here on the couch last night— my blanket and everything was there. Did you see?” He rushed out. “I didn’t do anything.” He stated roughly. Suddenly, Jaehyun’s back was close to burning. There was a quick sizzling type of sound and Jaehyun quickly turned, backing away from the hissing and overflowing water before gathering his senses and quickly turning down the temperature.   

Ten had run over in the moment and then was beside Jaehyun with wide eyes of his own. “Sorry.”

The younger still persisted on the topic at hand, assuming the apology was for the whisper of death and pain that crept to him in smoke. He needed to be assured. He needed affirmation. He needed to know he’d been heard. “I didn’t do anything.”

“I know that.” Ten responded gruffly, before lowering the volume of his voice. “I know that now.” He glanced away from the pot and back at Jaehyun. Ten took a big breath. “What I’m trying to get at is that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just left like that and I’m sorry. I was just scared and selfish and it was all just because of myself.”

Jaehyun felt like he was falling forward. “I messed up too. You said you needed to breathe and I just suffocated you, and I regret everything I said and how I said it. I was just ignorant and foolish and I’m sorry. I’m sorry too.”

“You regret?” Ten questioned. “You did nothing wrong, it was just me.”

“Well, I—“

“You said we were gonna work through this together and I couldn’t handle myself so I just ran off. That’s on me.”

“I just— I could have handled it better. I could have been better.”

“You did your best. You should know in that state I was going out that door either way.”

“But I couldn’t make you stay.”

“I’m here now, aren’t I?”

Jaehyun’s breath caught in an influx of tears. “But what if you weren’t?”

“I could say the same thing about you, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun shook his head. “I would never leave you. I would always come back.” He declared. He wondered why he’d ever think he could live without the light.

“You did.”

“I did…”

“You did nothing wrong, and even if you feel you did, I forgive you.” Ten grabbed his hand, pulling it out of a fist, and Jaehyun had to hold back the watergate as he held in a shaky breath.

“I forgive you too, Tennie.” Jaehyun’s tears dropped, and Ten gave a short laugh, Jaehyun smiled. He squeezed Ten’s hand in his own, the warmth and scent of candles comforting him and his tears falling away. “If you ever feel that way again, please, just come to me, okay? I’ll make it go away. And even if you do go— please just stay by my side in the end. I will wait for you. Please, just come back, okay?”

“I will.” He whispered. Jaehyun smoothed his thumb over Ten’s palm and nearly started crying again. _You will, he will._

“Oh, come on, how soft did you get in a day?” Ten teased, but his own tears fell silently.

Jaehyun laughed with a hum, wiping the tears on Ten’s face away. “It’s been a long day.” Ten pushed his head into Jaehyun’s chest and Jaehyun took his other empty hand and put it on the back of Ten’s head.

It was ironic. He had spent numerous hours in a bar with people and music all around him and hardly moved, but just then, with the only music being their hearts and breaths, he only wanted to dance and sway.

“Will you twirl me, Jaehyun?” Ten said with a dry laugh.

“Do you want me to step on your toes? Or twirl you into the pantry doors?” Jaehyun smiled.

“Don’t worry,” Ten began, looking up at Jaehyun. “I’ll always come back.”

Jaehyun’s heart panged and after the momentary pain his heart only bloomed for his unique flower and sun. “If I do any of those things, will I still be ridiculed to the couch?”

“I don’t think I’d make you sleep there, no.”

“How would I learn?”

Ten thought for a moment before just shaking his head. “Will you just twirl me, worrier?”

Jaehyun grinned and took the hand he was holding tighter. “Ready?”

“Yes.” Jaehyun took a moment and just breathed with his partner, the goosebumps which had unknowingly left him earlier then returned. His heart increasingly filled and the calming sunlight burned brighter. “For God’s sake Jaehyun, just twirl-”

He did so and somehow, even with the unexpected turn, Ten landed and then twirled himself into Jaehyun’s arms artfully once more. Jaehyun’s heart pounded and he wondered how butterflies lived forever as Ten looked up at him. He was just so beautiful and his heart was too. To cover up being lost in the world of Ten, Jaehyun looked around until he spotted something to distract and break the tension that warmed and heated him so much. “What were you gonna make?” Jaehyun asked, gesturing to the then shallow and warm water in the neglected pot.

“Wow, I thought we were having a moment, Jung Jaehyun.” Ten giggled and Jaehyun melted again anyway.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured halfheartedly.

“I don’t feel like making anything anymore.” Ten shook his head into Jaehyun’s shoulder then. Jaehyun broke their contact for a moment just to turn off the burner.

Jaehyun let a moment pass. “But I’m hungry.”

“For what?”

Jaehyun knew the possibilities of such a response were endless. He decided just words were boring and it _had_ been a long day, so Jaehyun just grinned with silence until Ten was forced to look at him. Jaehyun didn’t let him retort anything as he connected their lips, savoring every feeling that came with it. It was simply a real feeling.

Jaehyun parted them when Ten dropped his grip from Jaehyun’s hand and wrapped his arms around Jaehyun’s neck. Their breaths intermingled in the air and Jaehyun waited for another moment. In these situations he could be patient, but his accompanied timing was also impeccable.

Before Ten could rebuttal at the stop, Jaehyun fixed his mouth in a grin, or a smirk of sorts. He felt clever, basking in the fact that he was whole again. He wanted to leave all the options within the double meaning only to him. Whatever he wished, whatever he desired. Whatever he prioritized in the moment. He said what he would say and give him forever. “Anything you want.” He spoke quietly.

Ten’s mind broke from a sort of daze. “Huh?” 

“I’m hungry for whatever you want, Tennie.”

“Oh. _Oh_.”   

**Author's Note:**

> We always end up here. Emotions to questions, and thank you.
> 
> The ending is up to interpretation just a lil bit about what comes next, but I don’t even know where this came from. I’m pretty sure it was somewhat spurred from the fact that Jaehyun holds his alcohol the best in NCT. Please leave any thoughtful criticisms and I will reply and keep them in mind for the future! Once again, thank you!


End file.
